Friday, 28 November 2014

Heads or Tails?

"I miss you."
"I miss you too."

I love it when people say such stuff. It's worth so much to be able to communicate to another person that they count. But like a lot of things people say, they don't always mean this. It's one of those things you just have to say to pacify the other person...or sometimes, to pacify yourself. 

But you've never really missed if you haven't done a long distance relationship, and not necessarily the romantic kind ( I'm doing over 9 of them at this point, and they collectively contribute to my bouts of "MISSing"- you guys know who you are). I mean, the feeling of your entire body churning inside your stomach, because you know "goodbye" is just a few moments short. You've never really missed, if you've lived in a place all your life- your lungs unaccustomed to air of another kind, your eyes blind to any other beauty but the sunsets you pictured when you drew them as a kid,your mind ignorant to any routes other than those you traversed....Every.Single.Day, your heart oblivious to what it's like to love, but never FEEL.. and suddenly it's a changed scenery, a different painting.

Don't get me wrong, the freedom is exhilarating; Especially for somebody as opinionated as me. It's refreshing to get a chance to cherry-pick your people in a completely different setting. And the proposition to get rid of the dependence on existing attachments is a very inviting one. The desire to grow, to break-free from familiarity, to test and measure myself on my own scale - it was these things that motivated me to leave home and study abroad.

I don't know if I regret my choices. I don't think I do. But the trade-offs are very tangible and real. And the importance of vulnerability has never been as starkly evident to me. How do we expect to feel the clawing depth of emotions without succumbing to the possibility of being hurt? It is an anachronistic belief. The perceived stability of independence is probably the most overrated thing in this world. It's also the most pretentious attitude to condone. Whether it's biologically or philosophically motivated, I cannot say, but I know for certain that relationships are an enamoring concept to all human beings- to some a little more than others. And that is the basis for love, hatred, fear, joy, faith, disappointment, contentment and the myriad of other emotions that you can think of. Association with god or family or friends or even work- essentially, all our actions are compelled by this sense of responsibility and attachment towards something external to us.

And with every passing day, as I attempt to plough my way into internal stability, these convictions are cemented even more. But the desire to strike a balance is there and hopefully it'll come with age and experience.

And the tussle for what home really is, is ongoing. What, if any, are the limits to your external dependence? And when do you define them?

The family and love you've left behind? Or those precious individuals who knew nothing about you, but graciously accepted your rawness?

Heads or Tails?

1 comment:

  1. My thoughts are with you - where i have a different view is only that it is NOT only the physical distance - relationships as such can drift apart where huge gaps get created within NO physical distance

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